August 28 - For the Love of the Name
Sports are a way of life; we live game to game, season to season, awestruck and dumbstruck by the
exploits of the players we revere. Therefore, to celebrate the athletes that have struck a chord with so
many of us, I have compiled a list of what I feel are the most amusing names in sports history.
15. Cornelius Clifford Floyd - Cliffy made the list for simply hiding the fact that his given name is
Cornelius. I decree that from this moment forth this Mets slugger be known only as Corny Floyd. Let’
s try it out: “Big bomb Corny” or “How’s the leg Corny?” I like it.
14. Dijon Thompson - Initially selected by the Knicks in the second round of the 2005 draft and traded
to the Suns in the Kurt Thomas - Q-Rich deal. The urge to ask Mr. Thompson if he has any Grey
Poupon is almost too much to bear.
13. Tim (Tshimanga) Biakabutuka - I remember watching this guy run at Michigan
and simply falling in love with his name. I dare you all to try repeating Biakabutuka
5 times, fast. No inappropriate joke here, just a blast for anyone lucky enough to
call a Panthers game from 1996-2001.
12. Siupeli Malamala - In the same vain as the aforementioned Timmy, just plain
old fun to say. Malamala played O-tackle for the JetsJets from 1992-1999.
11. Jimmy Gobble - I have this overwhelming urge to spend one Thanksgiving
with the Gobble family, just one. Jimbo has pitched for the Royals for the last
three seasons, and seems to slip under the radar when it comes to humorous
10. & 9. Chris Luzar and Curry Burns - Both of these men are destined for the New York Giants
practice squad this year, but they’re pro-bowlers on this list. Just seeing the name Luzar emblazoned
on the back of a man’s jersey was enough to send a roomful of my friends into fits of uncontrollable
laughter. What this says about the company I keep I’d rather you keep to yourself. Curry Burns reads
more like a factual statement than a name.
8. Milton Bradley - His season has been Monopolized by an upcoming knee “Operation.” Also Milty
continues to fail at “The Game of Life” because of recent off-field “Trouble” with teammate Jeff Kent.
Unfortunately, “Jenga” isn’t an actual word.
7. Wonderful Terrific Monds - A career minor leaguer with the Braves and Reds organizations. The
name speaks for itself; however I will add that his full name is actually Wonderful Terrific Monds III.
You can’t make this stuff up
6. Craphonso Thorpe - This one falls under the heading of: “What was his mother thinking?” Do his
friends and teammates call him Crappy? Crappy had a stellar career as a wideout at Florida State
and is now a member of the Kansas City Chiefs.
5. Rusty Kuntz - No, seriously. A backup outfielder with the White Sox, Twins and
Tigers, Rusty enjoyed a seven year career of minimal success. However, his
name will long outlive those of better players. I can hear the talk around water
coolers throughout Detroit the day after Kuntz hit a huge sac fly in Game 5 of the
Luke: “How about that game last night, ya gotta love Kuntz.”
Timmy: “Yeah. You know, at first I thought he stunk, but now I can’t get enough
4. Ben Gay - This guy should have been a marketing dream for the makers of the
balm that shares his name. A backup running back for the Browns and Colts, Gay played only two
seasons in the NFL. I do wonder what it feels like to apply yourself to yourself in the event of muscle
soreness, but I expect to go wanting.
3. Dick Trickle - Is this getting a little too lewd? Regardless, definitely one of the funniest names of
all time, and not just among NASCAR drivers. It also begs the question; why not just go with
Richard? As a side bar, doesn’t his name sound like the punch line to a terrible prostate joke?
2. God Shammgod - Ah, the Big East. This Providence guard had all the makings of a divine ball
player. Unfortunately for him the NBA realized that unlike his namesake, he couldn’t drain a sink from
beyond 18 feet, making him a true Sham-God. Can you imagine hearing your teacher taking
attendance, stumbling over the simplest of names, only to come upon “Shamgod, God.”
1. Dick Butkus - An all time classic. Unlike Mr. Trickle, Butkus came up with an
answer to the timeless “Why not Richard?” question. In fact, it was 6 feet 3
inches and 245 pounds worth of answers, as well as playing the game with an
Zeron Flemister - Tight End for the Redskins and Pats
Yhency Brazoban - Relief pitcher, L.A. Dodgers
Doug Mientkiewicz - Oft injured Met
Ivana Mandic -University of Charlotte 49ers women’s basketball player
Alge Crumpler -Atlanta Falcons Tight End
Duany Duany - Former Wisconsin Badger Badger
Covelli “Coco” Crisp - Indians outfielder and nearly a breakfast cereal
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje - Former Georgetown Hoya, now with the Magic (repetition no longer funny)
Do you have any favorites that aren't listed here (Eric's favorites are recent/current college
athletes Mia Jerkov and Destiny Frankenstein)? If so, please e-mail them to The Writers and we'll
print them in the future.