May 12 - Much Too Fat, Like A Sumo
One of the good things about keeping a web page is that you can use it to trap those silly thoughts
that float through your mind. The thought process is nothing without articulation... sheer abstract
waste. The blog allows one the ability to capture those thoughts for posterity.
Some generally-a-moron-type may bring about world peace with an offhand statement in her blog that
suddenly becomes a culture-crossing catch phrase. F*ck, a person could set themselves up as
Jesus II if the right people linked to it and all the cards fell into place.
Of course, Jesus was crucified... and however heroic His sufferings on our behalf were, that's a
good-God-a'mighty big price to pay. I'd rather just help out the NFL a bit, and maybe just have
someone call me a schmuck.
I love football, and instinctively resist ideas regarding fundamental changes in the game. I inevitably
say to myself, "If it was good enough for Bronco Nagurski or Gayle Sayers, it's good enough for
today's kids." Chuck Bednarik played both Offense and Defense, was a thoroughly brutal man, and
should be the kind of guy the NFL runs new ideas by... perhaps even with Veto power.
The NFL should be run like that. Applying a Chuck Bednarik litmus test to any idea thus becomes my
final means on judging it. "What would Chuck Bednarik think of ______?" If I were much older and
more powerful in NFL-related matters, they'd still be playing witthout helmets today.
Either way... Chuck might not like the idea of selling our game to the Asians. While I don't feel like
opening the Wikipedia right now, I'd bet that part of Chuck's youth was spent fighting either Koreans
or Japanese, quite possibly both... and he only beat up hippies in the 1960/70s because he couldn't
get his hands on any more Asians.
But there's about 3 billion Asians on this planet, and they need more football in their lives. If Pol Pot
had been a Chicago Bears fan, Cambodia would probably be a thriving democracy right now. I bet Mr.
Bednarik didn't like seeing all those automaking jobs go to Japan... what better way to get some of
that money back than by hooking them on football?
I have a way to:
A) take a really lame part of the game and make it kick-ass
B) bring in immense Asian interest to the NFL
C) do A+B without changing an iota of actual on-field play.
Here's the sitch:
Two teams play for 60 brutal minutes, and the game ends in a tie. They go to sudden death overtime,
and somebody kicks a field goal after a few short passes. Whoopie!
Whoever gets the ball first is either 1) going to win or 2) deserves to lose. Thus, the coin flip is
ascribed far too much power in deciding the outcome of games. People who get pissed at a scrawny
kicker deciding a contest of 300 pound men must want to kill when their season is shot to hell due to
the spin of a nickel. This takes the potentially game-altering moment in a physical game, and
resolves it with a 50/50 lark bet that a P-Town sissy could beat Sean Taylor at.
It's very fair as a basic concept, and Americans love a Square Deal. Most of us wish we got 50/50
odds on our big life events. Still... so much more could be done with this truly pivotal moment in a
This is why I propose that:
The NFL should ban the coin toss in favor of having two fat guys on the roster who are there solely to
Sumo in the center of the field (the star at Texas Stadium, for instance... may as well get some use
out of all that painted sod) for control of the ball in sudden-death ovetime situations.
Stand them on either side of the circle, then let them play Bull In The Woods until someone is shoved
out of the circle. The winner's team then gets the ball. Simple and plain.
Inevitably, teams will find room on their rosters for one really big guy who knows how to Sumo. The
best Sumo wretlers come from Asia, and the introduction of an Asian onto each NFL squad would
bring, oh, 6 billion new sets of eyes to the game.
That's like 3 billion purses, and purses hold money.The NFL just cancelled games in Asia for next
season, die to "marketing voids"... which is a French term for "Asians don't care about football."
They'll care about football if two Rising Sons are fighting it out in Texas Stadium with millions on the
line.... and, as an aside, it'd be nice to see American kids get a new Asian hero. Lord knows they
must get stuck watching enough MTV for us to retain a Favorable Trade Balance in this area.
I can pretty much guarantee that the next NFL jersey I bought would be that of the Patriot who was
handling Sumo duties for us, should the NFL adopt my rule change. I bet 3 billion Asians would say
the same thing.