February 22 - Dre Got Robbed
This yearss NBA Slam Dunk Contest was won by the wee Nate Robinson of the Kuh-nicks. I can't get
within 3 feet of a rim myself, and Nate is only 9 inches taller than me... so this is a big time Feat.
Too bad he didn't deserve to win.
Andre Iguodala pulled off the best dunk I've seen since Vinsanity dragged his
package over that French guy's head 2 Olympics ago. Yet, he was only second
best. Next to when someone chose his genus/species last name, this will
probably be the worst injustice Andre will suffer in his life. The fact that the winner
has "rob" in his last name only sweetens the sauce.
For those of you who were watching Canadian girls push a broom in front of a
sliding shuffleboard thing, there was actually a true display of athletic prowess
happening on your TV Saturday night. The NBA purists will try to tell you that
people are more interested in the Skills challenge than they are in the dunking,
but anyone with volume on their TV wouldn't buy that s*** on discount.
Granted, with the nation in two really ugly wars and gas costing twice as much as it did in 2001, I
should probably have something better to be angry about on a freezing (7 degrees) morning here on
the Cape. Still, Dre got robbed, and count me as one shorty who isn't happy with Nate's win.
Jumping over a human being to dunk a ball is a very difficult task. Still, when Vince Carter, Kobe
Bryant and Ricky Davis have all dunked over taller men (Frederic Weis, Dwight Howard and Steve
Nash, respectively), it sort of lessens the impact. When someone jumps over Yao Ming to hammer
one down, I'll be impressed.
Andre caught a pass from the other AI off the back of the backboard, went under the rim and gorilla-d
one down with such force that Indonesians were disturbed. This is sort of like having sex with a
German Shepherd- you have to be a freak to even think about trying it.
Nate also took 14- yes, fourteen- attempts to make a dunk at one point. Imagine winning a spelling
bee with 14 misses. Imagine winning the Daytona 500 if you get lost in the middle. Short of heroic
intervention by some sort of governing body, y'ain't never going platinum.
The judges are all giants. Nate Robinson looks small to them... but to most of
the 290 million Americans, Nate is fairly tall. Still, when the judges go 6'7" and
up, Nate gets higher scores for weaker dunks.
Speaking of judges, this is a system that needs to be redone. I'm not that old,
but I've seen a few robberies happen in this event. Each time, it was a case
where the better dunker was bypassed for a crowd/league/Nike favorite.
Serious NBA fans are already thinking "Dominique Wilkins" when they read
that previous paragraph. 'Nique threw down a superb windmill/tomahawk dunk
20 years ago, only to lose when Jordan ripped off an old Dr. J dunk. He was
then- in an act of larceny very familiar to those of us who dispute Robinson's win- ganked by Spud
Webb in a later contest.
Like figure skating or American Idol, the dunk contest is decided by judges. They are very prone to
being influenced by the crowd, and they have made numerous poor calls during the history of this
contest. I'd personally trot out 20 guys(with no hometowners), and give them one attempt only... and
I'd score it based on decibel levels from the crowd.
It may not be perfect, but it beats the hell out of someone missing 13 straight dunks and winning.