January 15 - The Jessica Simpson Curse
Much was made last week- some of it in this very column- of the effect dating Jessica Simpson had
on Dallas QB Tony Romo.
For those of you not in the know, Romo is the Dallas Cowboys QB. Simpson is a beautiful
singer/actress. Texas is football crazy, and something that is applauded up here in Massachusetts
(like Tom Brady going through starlet after starlet, like a red carpet) is viewed as detrimental to one's
game down in the Lone Star state.
With Dallas in the midst of a hard-fought playoff hunt, Romo began to be seen in public with the pop
tart, Simpson. She even watched one game -a loss- from the owner's box, while wearing one of those
pink Cowboys replica jerseys with Romo's number (uniform, not phone...see pic above) on it. Dallas
lost the game, a scapegoat was needed, and Jessica Simpson took the kick deep in her own end
Dallas fans began calling her "Yoko Romo," in reference to the woman who supposedly "ruined" the
Beatles by dating John Lennon. It became a topic of national debate. Terrell Owens wept while
Jessica, bowing to public pressure in her home state, stopped attending Cowboys games... but
instead took Romo on vacation to Mexico when he should have been concentrating on the New York
(football) Giants. Romo promptly gagged on the biggest game of his life, throwing the game-sealing
interception in the end zone as time ran out.
But is Jessica really to blame?
In boxing,there is an old adage..."no sex before a fight." I'm told that every Petronelli swears by this
theory, as did Mickey in Rocky. There are many reasons for this...some sound, some foolish.
Someone actually studied it, and sex the night before a fight actually holds physical benefits... mostly
an increase in testosterone levels (even/especially after ejaculation). It may also help to relax the
fighter/QB... although that gets into Psychology, and Psychology favors sending the girl home for a few
For one, there is a fairly sound logic to the hypothesis that sexual frustration leads to aggression...
which comes in handy on the football field. The woman-as-distraction theory holds up, especially if
you Google something like "Andre Rison, Left Eye." Trainers and managers rightly view women as
being a variable beyond their control, and coaches/managers are control freaks supreme.
Muhammad Ali would abstain for 6 weeks before a fight. Soccer players says it robs one of leg
strength. NBA stars claim it takes away explosive leaping power. Horses are kept from breeding until
their racing careers are finished.
Check legendary manager Casey Stengel's thoughts on the matter, which seem more reasonable...
"Being with a woman never hurt no professional ball player. It's staying up all night looking for a
woman that does him in."
I'm with Casey on the matter. But this only excuses women as a species. What about Ms. Simpson
personally? Can she jinx a football team?
You can only solve that by looking into her dating history. When you do that, you suddenly believe.
The first thing you see is that Jessica kept her virginity until she was married. This, when coupled with
an examination of her personal life, brings to mind the fact that- to our knowledge, anyhow- Jessica
didn't wreck anyone's career prior to her deflowering. The connection between sex and the curse
cannot be ignored.
It also makes her vagina seem like Albion, or even Godzilla.... sleeping, but soon to rise. Once
someone tested a nuclear weapon near it, it was only a matter of time before she came out of the
harbor and wrecked Tokyo.
Her virginity was taken on her wedding night by former boy-band hearththrob Nick Lachey. At first, he
was able to control the power... they had a successful reality show, and even a Sonny+Cher style
variety special. They had the world on a string.
The first inkling that a Simpson Curse might be at work was when Jessica sang the National Anthem
at the 2004 Indy 500. The race was shortened by rain, and an F-3 tornado hit Indianapolis that day. Of
course, no one made the connection....then.
No one noticed the critical panning of her Dukes Of Hazzard film, which, to be honest, probably didn't
need a jinx. Roger Ebert claims to have lost 20 pounds simply by hating it so intensely. The sequel
went straight-to-video....Franchise Slain.
Then, Nick Lachey began to lose his mojo. At the height of his public exposure, he released "SoulO,"
which bombed commercially and critically. This was almost too much to believe- he was a TV star in
the demographic his CD was aimed at, and his show and songs aired constantly on MTV. Of course,
no one at the time attributed this to a vagina-driven jinx, which is probably a good thing.
The marriage fell apart in 2006, and Lachey's next CD went gold. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this
loosed young Jessica onto the dating scene. She appeared in a movie with Dane Cook, and the two
became linked. He was a comic on the rise, having just hosted the highest-rated Saturday Night Live
of the year.
However, he soon began to be haunted by charges of joke-stealing and plagarism. His career
suffered, and he was sued. He was being constantly goofed on, with Joe Rogan, Louis C.K., SNL and
others taking their turns at the pinata. Extricating himself from the relationship with Simpson, he soon
saw a career rebirth which peaked when he became one of the few comics to play Madison Square
Simpson then turned her attention onto Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. The band soon lost their
drummer to a mysterious neurological disorder, mid-tour. After the relationship was broken off, the
band's next release became the most-downloaded ITunes song ever. Not "their most downloaded"...
but "the most downloaded."
With time on her hands, Simpson got into philanthropy... supporting an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo,
Mexico. During her patronage, the town went insane... former Mexican Special Forces soldiers
employed by the drug cartels began openly murdering police and government officials in the street. A
superstitious, heavily-Catholic country, Mexico is now viewed by theorists (well.. me) as the likely
birthplace of the Simpson/Romo jinx talk that went down in nearby Texas.
Jessica then began a relationship with singer John Mayer. This is where my theory began to take a
jolt, because Mayer enjoyed growing success both during and after his relationship with the pop rock.
The Simpson Curse that brought down MTV idols and A-List comics didn't seem to bother John Mayer
"I wonder why..." I thought... then I got down to researching HIS past.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was being compared to Audree Hepburn at the time, has had a string of
like 10 bomb movies since dating Mayer. Her post-Mayer artistic peak was "Garfield." She even got
really, really fat. Heidi Klum had an out-of-wedlock baby after being linked to Mayer. Minka Kelly
suffered the same fate as Hewitt- a stab at Hollywood followed by a humbling return to the small
Christ! He has his own curse. During their relationship, Simpson even released a straight-to-DVD
movie that is said to have grossed the producers $4,000. She was soon out of that relationship,
freeing Mayer to work his own mojo, free from the vitriol of the Dallas Cowboys fan base.
Then, Simpson began to be seen with Romo. Romo had just come to stardom as the Dallas
Cowboys QB. Soon, he was being seen with her in public, often holding her purse. Then, in a
nationally televised game against the Eagles which saw Jessica in attendance, he had one of the
worst games I've ever seen played.
Romo and Simpson then went on their little Cabo San Lucas getaway, the media seized on it, and
Romo sh*t the bed in the NFC semifinals. Simpsonwas exposed as a jinx now...one powerful
enough to alter the fate of 60 behemoths.
As an additional irony, an examination of Simpson's life with that of fellow Simpsons shows a similar
pattern. OJ Simpson's career ended the year she was born, almost to the day. He murdered his wife
pretty much when Jessica hit puberty. Jessica's rise to stardom even coincided with the creative
decline of The Simpsons animated series, which seemed to hit the wall about 1999 and is barely
Coincidence? Or is there a Simpson Curse? I'll let you decide, but I wouldn't lay with Jessica
Simpson for all the tea in China.
I mean, I could lose all this....