May 9 - Are You Ready For Lima Time?
Flipping through the channels yesterday and coming to rest on what I thought
was James Brown in a Mets uniform, I came to the conclusion that it would be
in my best interest to stop picking mushrooms from my neighbors yard. When
I looked a little more closely, my worst fears suddenly became a reality. Could
it be? Yes. Jose Lima was back in the majors.
New York Mets daedal, yet immature and misfit right-hander, Jose Lima made his first start of the
season Sunday. He replaced an injured Victor Zambrano in the Mets starting rotation. He allowed
five earned runs, four walks, seven hits and struck out four en route to his first loss of the year. The
best part about the debut? It had to be Lima’s new bleached, blonde hair that would make a proud
Supercuts hair stylist burst into tears if they caught a glimpse of the disaster. It was most likely a
basement solo job.
How this freak, sideshow clown has snuck his way back onto a Major League roster once again is
something that only Mets management can answer. Could it be that Lima hypnotized the Mets front
office with dazzling dance moves and promises of grandeur? I’d truly like to believe that if they had
actually seen his hair prior to calling him up for Sunday’s start they would have been able to
collectively make a better executive decision. That decision: Contact a local mental institution
immediately for further evaluation…
With a repertoire of dance moves that would cause Michael Jackson to scream for mercy in a dance
off and a hair style that would beat out only an electrocuted chimpanzee in a hair fashion show, Lima
time came storming back into our lives reminding us again why a simple high five after a job well
done is more than sufficient after a great play.
While most humans would require enormous amount of pain, such as a shot
in the rear by a bow and arrow, or a bite by a scorpion in the crotch to be
educed into such wacky animalistic poses, Jose's undulating body and facial
gestures go where no circus animal, bearded lady or dying hyena could ever
go. If an animal in captivity was to make such asinine gyrations it would
probably be harpooned, tasered or tranquilized, but yet we allow this behavior
to go on before our very eyes without even the fleck of a pebble in the direction
of the tomfoolery.
While many enjoy watching Lima Time, and I have to admit I am one of them,
one cannot overlook the fact that he has not completed more than one season
with a single team since 2000. It would be one thing if he was actually an electrifying pitcher, but he
is not. He has shown only brief glimpses of the pitcher he was back in 1999 with Houston when he
won an astonishing 21 games, but killed thousands of mosquitoes during his strikeout celebrations
in the process. He has played on only five teams during his rocky thirteen-year career but has made
repeat trips back to Kansas City, Detroit, and Houston further lowering these teams’ chances of post-
season hopes in each visit. He has a lifetime E.R.A. of 5.23 and last year with Kansas City lost six-
teen games while notching only five wins.
Whether you are prepared or not Lima Time is coming soon to a stadium near you. You may or may
not want to make sure the woman and children in your life are safely indoors.
Lima’s next start is May 12th in Milwaukee. In other parts of the country if you think you see Lima on
your way home from school or work, it’s probably just a gyrating baboon that escaped from you local