June 19 - The Mock Draft
Now that the deadline to withdraw for the NBA Draft has passed, we finally know who is in and who is
out. Before we begin our first mock look, a couple awards need to be passed out. First off, is the
“Omar Cook” award presented annually to the collegian that must have been smoking crack when he
decided to stay in the draft. This year’s winner is Daniel Gibson from Texas. Does Gibson not have
access to the internet? Does he not realize that by staying in the draft he ensured that he’ll be suiting
up for Fayetteville of the NBDL in March? Our second award is my favorite and I like to call it the
“Skita”. This is awarded to the draft pick that is going to make an entire fan base scratch their head
the moment the selection is made. This year’s winner is Saer Sene from Senegal……..(giggling)
…….(giggling some more). Here’s hoping New York pulls the trigger on him and a full-scale riot
With our awards out of the way, it is time for David Stern to take the podium……….
“We have a trade to announce. Portland is sending their two first round picks (#4 and #30) and Jarrett
Jack to Toronto for the first overall selection. With the first pick in the NBA Draft the Portland
1. Adam Morrison, SF, Gonzaga Jr.
Portland will make this move on draft day as they need Morrison to be the new
face of the franchise. He is a cult hero in the Pacific Northwest as evidenced by
the “Draft the Stache” movement currently going on in Portland. Morrison is
easily the best player in this draft and he will put a$$es in the seats.
“With the second pick in the draft the New York Knicks………I mean Chicago
2. Tyrus Thomas, PF, LSU Soph.
I’m not sold on Thomas. I hate drafting guys who are unpolished and that is the category that Tyrus
Thomas falls under. He possesses great talent and could be Shawn Marion; however he could also
be Stromile Swift. The Bulls entertain offers from a Laker team trying to move up for Brandon Roy,
however at the end of the day they hold onto #2.
“With the third pick in the draft the Charlotte Bobcats select……..”
3. Rudy Gay, SF, UConn, Jr.
I like Rudy Gay more than most draft experts. While he seems to coast through games and feels
more like “Robin” than “Batman”, Gay has tremendous talent. He could be a poor man’s Scottie
Pippen. The biggest drawback to Rudy Gay is the fact that not one fan of the Charlotte Bobcats will be
rushing to Sports Authority to purchase one of his jerseys.
“With the fourth pick in the draft the Toronto Raptors select……..”
4. Andrea Bargnani, PF, Italy
……..just like walking up to the craps table and slamming $20 down on red. By the way, anybody
else get a chance to read our boy Chad Ford’s article on Andrea Bargnani? In it Ford makes the case
that Bargnani isn’t Nikoloz Tskitshvili, but while doing so he basically admits he never really watched
“Skita” play (even though he raved about him before the draft). You gotta tip your hat to Chad Ford. All
he does is watch basketball for a living and he can’t even do that successfully.
“With the fifth pick in the draft the Atlanta Hawks select…….”
5. Randy Foye, PG, Villanova Jr.
When Royal Ivey and Tyronn Lue are your best two options at the point guard spot……..you’re not
really an NBA franchise.
“With the sixth overall pick the Minnesota Timberwolves select…..”
6. LaMarcus Aldridge, C, Texas Soph.
Aldridge combines with Kevin Garnett to give Minnesota a nice starting frontline and two nice building
blocks……….too bad the other eleven blocks are all chipped.
“With the seventh pick in the draft the Boston Celtics select……..”
7. Brandon Roy, SG, Washington, Sr.
The basketball gods just smiled on Boston. Don’t look now but Delonte West, Wally Szczerbiak, Roy,
and Paul Pierce give Boston a very nice perimeter attack. I think Brandon Roy might be the second
best player in this draft behind Adam Morrison.
“With the eighth pick in the draft the Houston Rockets select……”
8. J.J. Redick, SG, Duke, Sr.
Redick is the perfect fit for Houston. With Yao and T-Mac attracting double teams all game long,
Redick could average 17 a night just by hitting open jump shots.
“With the ninth pick in the draft the Golden State Warriors select……”
9. Patrick O’Bryant, C, Bradley, Soph.
There is no doubt in my mind my beloved Warriors are taking O’Bryant. There’s also no doubt in my
mind that he’ll be stealing money from the team for the next three years. What the Warriors need to
do is strike an agreement with the Oakland A’s and arrange some kind of time share on Billy Beane.
Beane handles the A’s GM duties from 8-1 and the Warriors from 1-5. Makes perfect sense. Until the
Warriors are able to successfully buyout my lucrative eight figure deals with “Poor Man’s PTI” and
“RFF Radio”, I can’t see any better route for the franchise to take.
“With the tenth pick in the draft the team Bob Hill will eventually run into the ground selects……”
10. Shelden Williams, PF. Duke, Sr.
Bob Hill could coach Michael Jordan in his prime and still screw the pooch.
You should have seen him guide Fordham University (my alma mater) to a
2-26 record. Poor Shelden Williams. Going from Coach K to “SpongeBob
Armani Pants” is like sleeping with Kirsten Dunst one day and Rosie
O’Donnell the next.
“With the eleventh pick in the draft the Orlando Magic select……”
11. Ronnie Brewer, SG, Arkansas, Jr.
Orlando needs a 2 guard and Brewer is the best one left on the board. His shooting stroke leaves a
lot to be desired, however Brewer is an incredible athlete.
“With the twelfth pick in the draft the New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Topeka/Fargo/Albany Hornets
12. Cedric Simmons, PF, North Carolina State, Soph.
……..and you wanna know why I rip on Chad Ford so much? It’s because I know more about the
game of basketball than he ever will and I would give my left testicle to cover the NBA Draft for espn.
com. I’d also give my left testicle for a threeway with Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert, but that’s a
different subject for a different time. By the way……Cedric Simmons……probably going to suck.
“With the thirteenth pick in the draft the Philadelphia 76ers select……”
13. Marcus Williams, PG, UConn, Jr.
His mini-slide stops here. With his first NBA contract, he should have plenty of money to purchase
himself a nice laptop computer.
“With the fourteenth pick in the draft the Utah Jazz select…….”
14. Oleksiy Pecherov, PF, Ukraine
There is a 97.6% chance that Pecherov stinks.
“With the fifteenth pick in the draft the Omaha Hornets select……”
15. Shannon Brown, SG, Michigan State, Jr.
An absolute steal at #15, Brown will join up with Chris Paul and form one of the most electrifying
backcourts in the NBA.
“With the sixteenth pick in the draft the Chicago Bulls select……”
16. Rodney Carney, SF, Memphis, Sr.
Christmas just came early for John Paxson. The Bulls get perhaps the best pure athlete in this draft
and now have the ability to move Luol Deng in a package for a franchise player.
“With the seventeenth pick in the draft the Indiana Pacers select……”
17. Jordan Farmar, PG, UCLA, Soph.
This is a no-brainer. The Pacers need to bring in some young legs at the point guard spot to
challenge Jamaal Tinsley and Anthony Johnson.
“With the eighteenth pick in the draft the Washington Wizards select……”
18. Saer Sene, C, Senegal
“With the nineteenth pick in the draft the Sacramento Kings select……”
19. Maurice Ager, SG, Michigan State, Sr.
An explosive athlete who will can step in right away and help the Kings make up for the impending
departure of Bonzi Wells.
“With the twentieth pick in the draft the biggest mess in professional sports select……”
20. Quincy Douby, SG, Rutgers, Jr.
Huge rumor floating around that the Coney Island native has a guarantee from the New York Knicks.
Look for his jersey to surprisingly become a huge seller. The NBA should play along and let him
have the number “420”.
“With the twenty-first pick in the draft the Phoenix Suns select……”
21. Marcus Vinicius, SF, Brazil
The perfect Sun. Vinicius is apparently an extremely talented offensive player who doesn’t play one
lick of defense.
“With the twenty-second pick in the draft the New Jersey Nets select……”
22. Kyle Lowry, PG, Villanova, Soph.
That Zoran Planicic thing hasn’t worked out for the Nets and Jason Kidd is getting up there in years.
In Lowry, the New Jersey Nets begin the process of grooming Kidd’s replacement.
“With the twenty-third pick in the draft the New Jersey Nets select……”
23. Paul Davis, PF, Michigan State, Sr.
There wasn’t a more disappointing collegiate player than Paul Davis. When Davis came out of high
school he was considered one of the best five players in the country. He has the size and agility NBA
teams crave. If he had 1/10 of the “fight” Adam Morrison has he’d be a surefire lottery pick. The Nets
take the gamble that Davis will be a better pro than he was a collegian.
“With the twenty-fourth pick in the draft the Memphis Grizzlies select……”
24. Dee Brown, PG, Illinois, Sr.
Jerry West once again proves that nobody is better on draft day.
“With the twenty-fifth pick in the draft the Cleveland Cavaliers select……”
25. Mike Gansey, SG, West Virginia, Sr.
The Cleveland native can hit open jump shots and that is exactly what Cavaliers
“With the twenty-sixth pick in the draft the Los Angeles Lakers select……”
26. Rajon Rondo, PG, Kentucky, Soph.
The Lakers tried desperately to move up for Brandon Roy. Unfortunately their dangling of Lamar
Odom didn’t generate any substantive offers. The Lakers go with Rondo as Smush Parker was
hideous against the Phoenix Suns.
“With the twenty-seventh pick in the draft the Phoenix Suns select……”
27. Kevin Pittsnogle, PF, West Virginia, Sr.
Another guy who falls under the category of “perfect fit”.
“With the twenty-eighth pick in the draft the Dallas Mavericks select……”
28. Steve Novak, SF, Marquette, Sr.
Novak is an elite shooter who can eventually fill Keith Van Horn’s role.
“With the twenty-ninth pick in the draft the franchise that never thought they’d be looking back longingly
on the days of Scott Layden selects……”
29. Josh Boone, PF, UConn, Jr.
Apparently, Boone has a guarantee from some team in the first round which is why he is staying in
the draft. My money is on the Knicks. Boone has an NBA body and will bang around. Unfortunately
he has no offensive game whatsoever.
“With the thirtieth pick in the draft the Toronto Raptors select……”
30. Denham Brown, SF, UConn, Sr.
Brown is the only guy in the NBA Draft who will be excited about playing for the Toronto Raptors.
Colangelo pulls the trigger and Brown happily returns home.
Nine more days until the NBA Draft begins. If only David Stern would move the NBA Draft to Saturday
so I can freely consume a copious amount of adult beverages……..
If you have any questions or comments feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.