April 16 - NFL Draft Preview
With the NFL Draft exactly one week away, Reggie Bush is getting ready to hear himself get
compared with Gale Sayers approximately 1,657 times and Matt Leinart is praying that New Orleans
doesn’t draft him. Drew Rosenhaus is readying himself to say “my client wants a $15 million dollar
signing bonus” and Mel Kiper is pitching a tent. The “do I watch the draft at home or go out and get
wasted” decisions are being made. Some might say I’m crazy, but I prefer watching the NFL and NBA
Draft to watching a regular season game. There’s just something about the combination of pro and
college that makes for riveting television.
Since there aren’t enough mock NFL drafts being written on the internet, I thought I would fill the gap
and come up with my own. Without further ado……………
(Paul Tagliabue steps to the podium……………for the last time……….let’s take a moment…)
“With the first pick in the draft, the Houston Texans select…….”
1. Reggie Bush, USC, Jr. RB
Mel Kiper raves about Bush’s speed, vision, and agility for five minutes and then
needs to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
(Prior to the second pick in the draft, the camera pans to Matt Leinart whose
expression reminds of somebody that just saw their dog get run over by a truck.)
“With the second pick in the draft the New Orleans Saints select……..”
2. D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Virginia, Sr. OT
Jubilation erupts in the Leinart camp as New Orleans opts for Ferguson. In my opinion, Ferguson is
the biggest sure thing in the draft. He is a 12-Time Pro Bowler waiting to happen.
“With the third pick in the draft the Tennessee Titans select……..”
3. Matt Leinart, USC, Sr. QB
Reunited, And It Feels So Good….. Matt Leinart joins back up with Norm Chow and becomes the
Titans new starting quarterback. This should lead Steve McNair getting waived and joining up with a
contender…….I’m guessing the Chicago Bears. The upgrade from Rex Grossman to Steve McNair is
like going from a McDonald’s hamburger to a Double-Double from In-N-Out Burger.
“With the fourth pick in the draft the New York Jets select……..”
4. Mario Williams, North Carolina State, Jr. DE
(As soon as his name is announced the booing begins and subsides when a “We Want Vince chant”
is broken out.)
The Jets wanted Ferguson but he went off the board. With Patrick Ramsey joining the team to provide
insurance for Pennington, the Jets go with the best ranked player left on the draft board. Eric Mangini
is a defensive coach and adding Williams gives the Jets a nice rotation at DE with Bryan Thomas and
“With the fifth pick in the draft the team Brett Favre is holding hostage selects…….”
5. A.J. Hawk, The……..Ohio State University, Sr. LB
With this pick, ESPN switches over to Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire.
Theismann: You look up football player in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of A.J. Hawk.
Maguire: I want you to take a look at this at footage from the Fiesta Bowl. Here is Brady Quinn
stopping and telling his sister to go f*ck herself for wearing that ridiculous half and half jersey. Right
behind him is A.J. Hawk. Wait for it. WHHHHHAAAAAMMMMMM!!! You want to talk about a guy born to
tackle. Here’s Quinn giving his sister the bird and there’s her boyfriend A.J. Hawk slamming him to
(A commotion begins to fill the draft room.)
(Paul Tagliabue is walking towards the draft podium and is quickly reading a card.)
“There has been a trade. The only undefeated member of the “Five Super Bowl Club” has traded the
rights to the sixth overall pick to the Denver Broncos for the 15th and 22nd picks. With the sixth overall
pick the Denver Broncos select…..”
6. Vernon Davis, Maryland, Jr., TE
The Broncos are a team to built to win the Super Bowl right now and they move up and grab the best
tight end prospect in the draft. Davis is a big upgrade over Jeb Putzier and would give Jake Plummer
another downfield threat.
“With the seventh pick in the draft the Oakland Raiders select……..”
7. Vince Young, Texas, Jr. QB
No way in hell Al Davis passes on a name as big as Vince Young. Especially when Aaron Brooks is
currently the best quarterback on the team.
“With the eighth pick in the draft the Buffalo Bills select……”
8. Haloti Ngata, Oregon, Jr. DT
Little known fact, but Haloti Ngata in Samoan means Ted Washington.
“With the ninth pick in the draft the Detroit Lions select……”
9. Jimmy Williams, Virginia Tech, Sr. CB
The Detroit Lions need help on defense and grab the best lockdown corner on the board. Athletically
speaking, Jimmy Williams might be the second most gifted player in the draft behind Reggie Bush.
“With the tenth pick in the draft the Arizona Cardinals select……”
10. Jay Cutler, Vanderbilt, Sr. QB
When Brenda Warner is your quarterback………..you have to start planning for the future.
“With the eleventh pick in the draft the St. Louis Rams select……”
11. Michael Huff, Texas, Sr. S
Huff’s mini slide stops here. No way the Rams can pass on the best
defensive player left on the board.
“With the twelfth pick in the draft the Cleveland Browns select……”
12. Bobby Carpenter, The……..Ohio State University, Sr. LB
Carpenter has been rocketing up the draft board in recent weeks and the Ohio
State product lands in Cleveland. He’s the kind of player that NFL scouts fall in
love with when they watch film.
“With the thirteenth pick in the draft the Baltimore Ravens select……”
13. Brodrick Bunkley, Florida State, Sr. DT
With Maake Kemoeatu signing with Carolina, the Ravens need to draft a replacement. Bunkley is an
athletic freak who should fill the void.
(At this point, ESPN cues up a five minute montage on Terrell Owens……..1,456,652 Philadephia
Eagles fans vomit.)
“With the fourteenth pick in the draft the Philadelphia Eagles select……”
14. Santonio Holmes, The……Ohio State University, Sr. WR
Santonio is quite simply the best wide receiver in this draft. He’ll start from day one. Hopefully, he
successfully petitions the NFL to have his first name put on the back of his jersey.
“With the fifteenth pick in the draft the only undefeated member of the “Five Super Bowl Club”
15. Donte Whitner, The……..Ohio State University, Sr. S
The 49ers need to leave this draft with a safety, tight end, and linebacker that can contribute. They
accomplish their first goal by drafting Whitner.
“With the sixteenth pick in the draft the Miami Dolphins select……”
16. Johnathan Joseph, South Carolina, Sr., CB
This is a big year for Nick Saban and the Dolphins as they are a sleeper in the AFC. Saban needs a
cornerback who can step in and play. I think Saban chooses Joseph as he is familiar with him from
his LSU days.
“With the seventeenth pick in the draft the Minnesota Vikings select……”
17. Antonio Cromartie, Florida State, Jr. CB
The Vikings won’t pass on Cromartie and his speed. He should be able to contribute right away as
their nickel back.
“With the eighteenth pick in the draft the Dallas Cowboys select……”
18. Winston Justice, USC, Jr. OT
There is joy in the Cowboy draft room when Justice is there for them at 18. They wanted a behemoth
and they got one in Justice.
“With the nineteenth pick in the draft the San Diego Chargers select……”
19. Chad Jackson, Florida, Jr. WR
The Chargers are still in desperate need of a gamebreaker at wide receiver and they are ecstatic
when Jackson falls into their laps. Jackson should have an extremely productive rookie season as
he will see a lot of one on one coverage due to the presence of LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio
“With the twentieth pick in the draft the San Diego Chargers select……”
20. Tye Hill, Clemson, Sr. CB
The Kansas City Chiefs could use another cornerback to bolster their pass defense and Tye Hill
might be the most underrated one in the draft.
(Before I get cranking on New England’s pick, I need to address the rumor which is Bonnie Bernstein
and Bill Belichick doing the hibbity-dibbity. Actually you know what……..I don’t. For those who haven’t
heard about this, click here.)
“With the twenty-first pick in the draft the New England Patriots select……”
21. Chad Greenway, Iowa, Sr. LB
Greenway just looks like a guy who was born to wear a Patriot uniform.
“With the twenty-second pick in the draft the only undefeated member of the “Five Super Bowl Club”
22. Marcedes Lewis, UCLA, Sr. TE
Lewis is an exceptional athlete who will provide the big target that Alex Smith needs. Could be a
sleeper choice for Rookie of the Year.
“With the twenty-third pick in the draft the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select……”
23. Ernie Sims, Florida State, Jr. LB
His slide stops here as the Buccaneers go with the best athlete on the board.
“With the twenty-fourth pick in the draft the Cincinnati Bengals select……”
24. Anthony Fasano, Notre Dame, Sr. TE
With Matt Schobel leaving via free agency, the Bengals need somebody who can
step right in and contribute. Fasano fits the bill perfectly. I think Cincy goes with
Fasano over Leonard Pope due to the fact Fasano is already comfortable playing in
(An impromptu “Coughlin Sucks” chant begins before the next pick.)
“With the twenty-fifth pick in the draft the New York Giants select……”
25. DeAngelo Williams, Memphis, Sr. RB
Williams slide stops here as the Giants choose their successor to Tiki Barber.
“With the twenty-sixth pick in the draft the Chicago Bears select……”
26. Sinorice Moss, Miami (FL.), Sr. WR
The Chicago Bears need to add some explosion to their offense and Sinorice Moss would provide
that. Santana’s little brother is also extremely dangerous as a punt and kickoff returner.
“With the twenty-seventh pick in the draft the Carolina Panthers select……”
27. LenDale White, USC, Jr. RB
Anybody who thinks LenDale White isn’t a first round caliber football player is smoking crack. It’s that
“With the twenty-eighth pick in the draft the Jacksonville Jaguars select……”
28. Mathias Kiwanuka, Boston College, Sr. DE
In Ugandan, “Mathias Kiwanuka” means “kill man wearing helmet that large men protect.”
“With the twenty-ninth pick in the draft the New York Jets select……”
29. Joseph Addai, LSU, Sr. RB
Curtis Martin isn’t getting any younger and the Jets begin grooming his replacement.
“With the thirtieth pick in the draft the Indianapolis Colts select……”
30. Laurence Maroney, Minnesota, Jr. RB
With Edgerrin James leaving the Colts need to draft a running back that will jump right into the
starting lineup. Maroney fits the bill and becomes an instant favorite for Rookie of the Year.
“With the thirty-first pick in the draft the Seattle Seahawks select……”
31. Max-Jean Gilles, Georgia, Sr. OG
With Steve Hutchinson leaving, the Seahawks need a guard who can step right in and play. Gilles is
a 6’4” 350 pound monster who will open holes for Shawn Alexander.
(Prior to the next pick, ESPN interviews Jerome Bettis. Shockingly enough, Bettis has now ballooned
to approximately 397 pounds).
“With the final pick of the first round the champs select…..”
32. Tamba Hali, Penn State, Sr. DE
The Steelers continue the feelgood party by picking a Nittany Lion.
Seven more days until the NFL Draft begins. This article alone has me moving from watching at
home and monitoring the internet like a nerd to watching at home and drinking beer. We all know
what the next step is………….Until Saturday……..
If you have any questions or comments feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.